Monday, October 29, 2012

Loss


I have been working on and doing my best to deal with losing so much. It's been years since I have felt comfortable with my surroundings because things were up in the air...I didn't know what was going to happen when. I taught myself to be okay when surprises happen and I think I did a great job, but when my needs aren't met, I find depression.

My depressions are a feeling of being annoyed with everything and everyone. I'm not actually sad, sometimes I am when one thing after another happens, but if people around me don't make a big deal out of things then I can do my sarcastic thing, make jokes and move on.

A year ago I was starving and without the medication I was on so I wasn't able to do anything about it. If I could have just continued my course of treatment and actions to move onto better treatment (different medication and trying things that might work better) and if I could have known I wouldn't need to worry about how to get my medicine i.e. if I had insurance and/or a full time job then I would have made it through all the changes that occurred. I don't know how to deal with what I can't help, like how my condition renders me incapacitated at times. If people around me wouldn't make a big deal of it then I can stay calm and make it through a flare without stress. When other people think something is a big deal then I have to talk them down from that level which wears me down. Lately I have been trying to let them be at that level and not waste energy on it since I am unable to show them how they don't need to be crazed over my situations. It frustrates me to not do anything about it because I don't have responses. I kind of shut down because I don't have the atmosphere I want and need. I don't do drama. It's pointless. I like to be happy and I can find a way to be okay with anything, but not when everyone around me is making it so I can't be okay with anything.

I remind myself that I don't have any money to go out and change my scenery and the medicine I am on isn't helping the pain...I'm in a pretty good amount of pain today. I had a pain shooting down my leg from my right hip down the top of and to the left of my right thigh, down my shin to the top of my foot. I couldn't move my foot, leg and thigh without thinking about it really hard. This is normal for me, unfortunately, and I don't have the medicine that would help. Reminding myself what would help me through this doesn't help because I have no way of obtaining what I need to help me help myself. Since the state said I'm not disabled, I am stuck with no help to handle things for myself. I have to rely on other people and their time constraints and their money constraints. Then I think about how much it can take to keep a human life going and I feel like such a drain and I go back to wishing I could help myself. How do I get past that.

I had a yard full of flowers and vegetables. I also landscaped, though I wasn't done. I spent a lot of money. I hope someone is using those things.

I had a ton of fabric and lots of sewing accessories...gone. I have to replace most of that stuff.

Some neat bowls, containers, and one thing for pouring but I used it to hold art stuff. Gone. My jewelry tools...gone.

My futon...gone.

Hundreds of dollars worth of water color pencils...gone. Paint brushes...gone.

My kitchen stuff...gone.

How can I be okay with losing so much? I try to do something, wish I had something I already owned, we don't have another way to go about doing that something and then I think about all the stuff I lost.

I feel like if I could work for someone who understands fibromyalgia and understands that the medical system is broken, I'm talking doctors, nurse practitioners, and the companies they work for, if my future employer would understand that I have to wait a while for the proper care to happen (at least a month from now), then if they would also not make a big deal of the flares, then we would work well together. I would probably be with them for the rest of the company's life or mine, whichever comes first.

I need understanding. How do I cultivate that in my life? So far I only come up against opposition and why I shouldn't be this way. Now I'm back to needing money so I can help myself.

I hurt. I need to get up and move around a little bit.