Doctors.

I am going to focus as much attention as I can on being okay with the people that think I'm fine. I know I don't look sick or disabled, but give me a minute and I will be tired and I will look different. From lay people to doctors, they judge me right away, but I can't know how they have judged me. If I live in fear of the judgment of being a lazy person or addicted to pills (I don't know what I am accused of being addicted to, I only assume it is pills like narcotics) then I help create the judgment.

If I wanted to be addicted to something, I would be a very different person. I know I don't need to work on the aspect that the media says is prevalent, but I do have to be calm while those who work with me move past that assumption. My anxiety and fear and excitement comes from wanting them to hurry past the judgmental thoughts that keep me from being properly treated (in bedside manner as well as medicinally). I know more than they think I do so I have to find a way to be okay with medical professional personnel thinking I know nothing, talking to me as if I know nothing, they think they are teaching me something by telling me very general ways of treating fibromyalgia as if I don't know already. It is so very frustrating to be talked down to. When they do that, they tell me that they don't know the condition and I want to shut down and have someone else to work with. "Remove this doctor from my room please and send in one with some sense, one who doesn't think they know it all (and one that doesn't feel like I want them to know it all)."

I saw a doctor or nurse practitioner, I was in too much pain to remember that kind of detail, over the weekend that ignited my fear of what I will be dealing with here when I finally do receive a medical card.....if I receive one. At least my aunt was there. She got to see how I am generally treated so now I have someone on my side. Finally. She came to the conclusion that I have been at for months: to interview doctors and therapists before settling into a plan. I will not be treated like an idiot, I will not put up with people who think I'm faking it, and I refuse to think I have to be in constant pain as I have been for several years. It's been so long that I've put up with the pain that it has worn me down. I need to work with a doctor or a team of doctors willing to help me back up.