Struggles

I haven't wanted to post about fibromyalgia, but it is a very real part of me. Pain is an amazing thing. I don't want to share my pain, but I do want to share my struggle to encourage others to share theirs and if I only let someone know they aren't alone then I am okay with that.

My last doctor didn't understand fibromyalgia/fm so he dropped me from the practice. I don't hae insurance anyway and I don't have enough money to pay to see a doctor. I can either spend the tiny amount of money I got from working part time on medicine, food, or gas to drive to get medicine or food.

For me, pain medicine only takes some of the pain away, but it makes what I still feel much more bearable. No one understands, though. I'm just trying to get narcotics, they think. If I had insurance I would have tried medication for fm. I did try samples, but most medicine has such a bad reaction or rather, I will have the "rare" side effects. I can't take the pain and I am not getting any packing done because I'm too weak from dealing with the pain. I don't know where to go to get help for the last few days I will be here. What doctor or nurse practitioner will believe me? No one does. No one understands why I walk funny, why I might be moody, why I have a look on my face of depression, tiredness, defeat, anger. I'm not depressed, but I do feel defeated and hopeless right now.

I am not even able to joke or laugh at jokes. I want everything to go away and I don't want to be in pain.

How am I supposed to function? I can't just go see a doctor, I can't just go get some insurance (as I've been told), if I could go see a doctor they won't help me because they will want to run tests that I can't afford (so they won't be able to run the tests which is frustrating for them), then they will assume I'm shopping for pills by saying I only have a few days left in this state. My story sounds sad as in pathetic, they will think they see right through it, meanwhile I'm crying because I can't take the pain.

So what do I do? Not pack anything? If I start packing my car, I will become angry because I can't function, I will surely break something because I am too weak to carry stuff, but such is my life because no one understands.