A Peek Inside

To understand what I go through, imagine having the flu, but instead of the pain going away in a few days to a couple weeks, imagine having the flu's body aches for many years. Sometimes the pain will make you not eat, sometimes you know you have to eat so you try, but getting food hurts, eating the food is a chore because you're too tired from working through the immense pain so you have to regain your composure just to eat. Imagine getting angry at little things and you don't know why. I know why now, but when I was a teenager I had no idea I wasn't supposed to be in all the pain I am in now. Imagine how it looks to others. No one will touch me because they don't know, nor do they want to find out, if a hug or just resting a hand on my head or my shoulder will hurt me. To me, touch is worth the pain, to them, they put me in more pain so they recoil. This isn't fun. Right now I am angry at the world. I am angry that I have to deal with this pain that will get worse before it gets better. It's keeping me from seeing people before I leave. When I get to WA, I will wish I would have just seen my friends even though I can't stop crying. The healthcare system angers me the most. If I could have had insurance, doctors wouldn't have felt helpless (and in that helplessness, they didn't treat me well), I would have been able to show that I am more than worthy of being given full time employment, and then I wouldn't had to starve for so many years. One might say I was married, I couldn't have been starving. He wanted to take care of himself and he wanted me to take care of myself as well as him. But that is in part, I think, because he had to watch me writhe in pain because I didn't have insurance and the cycle I have already typed above continued. It's also hard for others to see that I am in pain, for there to be no obvious reason I have pain just doesn't make sense so I must be faking it.

That's all for now. It hurts to type. I need to see if I can get comfortable or if I stay angry I will start throwing stuff away. Either way, life continues and I'm in pain.