Do you respect yourself? Do you respect everyone else? Can you respect yourself and others during an argument?
To respect, to me, means to accept someone or some thing as is. I don't need to fix or change. I might guide, but I do not judge. I can accept anything that comes into my life just as it is. For me, accepting makes it a fact for the moment. I learned before I turned 10 that facts are often proven to be a theory and they are replaced with another fact or a truth. Without the knowledge gained to create the previous fact, we wouldn't have moved on to the next idea that generated a fact. With that in mind, I can appreciate or respect whatever happens so when someone disagrees with something I say or do, I can appreciate their feeling(s) and thoughts are a fact for them. They may not be true to me or for me, which is where an argument (or debate or conversation) might occur.
To handle the argument calmly, I know I am not being attacked. There is no reason to feel as though my character is being judged properly or improperly, that I deserve a punishment or a good talking to. My goal is never to hurt someone, but rather to be the best person I can be. Things get misconstrued, though, and to clear up the misunderstanding, we may need to argue because we don't see it, the event or situation, in the same light. We can discuss our different points of view and come to a better understanding of each other, whether we agree or not. To see where someone else is coming from, to me, is the most beautiful bond builder. I see it in other people, that doting look of comfort and acceptance toward another person because they had a discussion/conversation/argument and they "get" the other person a little better. When we feel like we completely know someone, we kind of end the relationship because we think we know what will happen and we don't expect changes or differences but lives are fluid. We continue to change and find new likes and dislikes forming new opinions or adding to current opinions. To see that there will be an end to a confrontational argument can be difficult. Confront your own feelings surrounding arguments to change how you argue. You don't want to avoid an argument altogether and you don't want to put the other person down. Respect that their emotions are valid, but they might not understand that they have the wrong perspective.
There are arguers that feel personally wronged and they want it made right. Stay calm if you know they are being irrational. You most likely won't be able to make them see that they are being ridiculous. Some arguments will stall. Don't join in a heated discussion, one where both sides aren't being heard and voices are rising. That's when an argument becomes a fight. When one person believes what they know of a situation and they keep arguing their point, maybe they are getting frustrated that they may be wrong so they keep trying to spin the argument in a direction favorable to them though it isn't favorable to truth, they might use hurtful words. Respect those feelings by understanding that the person might be calling themselves those things for being wrong...they might be upset with themselves for being wrong and the anger they feel for themselves is being directed at you. Use restraint to keep your patience above anger. You can't make someone change their mind or come to an understanding if they are angry. Arguments should be about curiosity - that we want to understand the situation better, not dwell on what went wrong or who did what, but to understand and move on.
If virtue means a learned behavior to a standard of right and if patience is a virtue, I would teach it to mean: accepting conditions we can't change... "This is how it is to me right now." The condition will eventually change, but not right this moment. To stress about fixing or changing the condition can bring anger. In anger we can't learn, we only dwell so we don't move on.
For those that take arguments as an assault on your character, as if the disagreement means you are stupid - it doesn't. Avoiding arguments means you miss out on growing a deeper connection. Arguments, debates and conversations don't need to be something you fear because you might upset the other person. The more you engage in conversation and arguments the easier it becomes to find patience in expecting the unexpected which means in this respect that your mind does not work as anyone else's. You probably won't know what they will say or how they will take something you say. Knowing that, you can brace yourself for possible confusion (on your part, theirs too, but this paragraph is for you) and you won't know how to respond. Instead of responding with retaliation because they misunderstood you, see if you can find where they are confused and reword your thoughts not to make them see, respect that they don't understand yet and continue the moment (hopefully calmly) with finding a different approach to getting to an understanding.
There are times arguments won't be resolved. How we handle those times, the moments between hurtful misunderstanding and an agreement or a resolution, can spell out the outcome. I think separating for any amount of time needed for both people to cool down is the best way to step out of the fight (but that's what works for me right now, it doesn't mean that's what needs to happen for everyone else). An argument becomes a fight when both or all parties involved are angry. I disagree in the idea that it is bad to go to bed angry. It seems true that we can't sleep when we are angry, adrenaline will see to that, but to argue and battle while missing out on sleep and a chance to step out of the argument before going to sleep so I can cool down doesn't work for me. What it says to me is that nothing else can happen, everything needs to stop until someone caves. It speaks to wanting a resolution due to the uncomfortable feelings. Many people know that when we want something too much, when we wish things could be different, we won't get what we are looking for. Others say that when you want something bad enough, maybe it's more of a need now rather than a wish, then you will make it happen. Both might be true, but I don't think in a heated argument aka a fight, that anything can be resolved until the anger subsides. Understandings don't come in anger. If we get angry in the argument, we usually see things we couldn't during the argument after we calm down. Of course each situation is different and will most likely require a different approach and the argument may require some rest time the next day instead of whatever was planned...'might be calling off work to find that sleep.
If arguments turn into fights on a regular basis for you and a friend, family member -immediate or extended, or your spouse, then the situation may be unhealthy for all. Change is scary to some, but the outcome of leaving what I sometimes call a poisonous relationship, has a much better outlook than staying in the relationship. At that point you both try to change each other and fight the other's attempts. If they don't appreciate you as you are and they make you feel bad for being yourself, maybe you even try to push away the person you are in an attempt to be what they think they want you to be, or vice versa, or if either begins to do things in vengeance on that part of you, then the arguments might not lead to resolution. It may be best to part ways. I think everyone is a good person. When paired with someone that makes you angry, you bring the ugliness out of each other. Before you push all your friends and family away, think about ending the relationship -be it a friendship or marriage. Marriage can surely last, I'm not preaching divorce, but for the good of humanity and growing beautiful human beings, end the conflicting personalities. Then you can pair up with someone that brings the best out of you or compliments your good qualities. You can learn from the bad relationship not who was the most wrong to take blame away from you -blame is unnecessary if you both gave it a valiant retry (or several) because to me the way you both approach life is different and you will always see it differently so together you see how terrible it is to see life in such a way but with someone that brings out the better side, not the angry side but the happiest you, then you won't notice so much as being terrible and a waste of time. You aren't admitting defeat by ending a bad relationship. You weren't wrong to befriend the person or enter into marriage. For most people, it will speak well for your character to be "strong" enough to allow a drastic change. The judgmental comments don't need to be the comments that resonate.
Or you can call on Captain Hindsight to tell you where you went wrong.
I want to see people move away from the fears of confrontation. We become stagnant if we don't talk. You are not doomed to stay in situations or patterns that don't serve you. To take the selfish connotation out of that sentence- You will make others unhappy or miserable if you are unhappy and miserable so the best thing for everyone is to do what you might need to to feel happy. If you worry about hurting someone in the process, you might do much worse if you stay in the bad situation.
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