I don't know if I am supposed to feel this much pain shooting to various points from my hips to my head while I am taking lyrica. It is just over a week since I started taking it so I guess the jury is out on that one.
I don't have any proper pain medicine for this kind of attack. I have taken caffeine and lots of ibuprofen, 6 and 7 otc pills at a time twice this morning. I also have a migraine. I noticed a few months ago that my migraines diminish or disappear when I take mucinex as if there is fluid that needs to be drained. It really doesn't matter that the migraine is lessened because there is pain shooting through and around my head and my right eye (the side the migraine was on). I have pain shooting all over my shoulders, my back, my sides, my hips, my forehead...I've been writhing and crying wishing there isn't such the stigma on narcotics. "We don't want anyone to get addicted...," they say. Fuck you. I hurt and I can't function. Thanks, whoever started that judgment call and pushed it through to the media. Those of us that need to not be in pain are now not addicted to something that we can't be addicted to anyway because pain is sobering. Narcotics only help to aid in lessening the pain, I should probably speak for myself here -now the pain is shooting through to my fingers-, if someone is in severe pain, they still feel some pain after taking a pain medication. I can say that if I take a higher dose of a narcotic or to even double it, I am pain free, but I don't like the side effects so I don't take high doses. I specifically asked my last doctor to lower the dose after a surgery because I didn't want that amount any more. I wasn't in the kind of pain that the highest dose required. He was still frustrated with how much pain I was and am in and I think he was frustrated with the situation which was that the system was impossible for me to navigate and although I was trying to work my way through it, it wasn't fast enough for him and he dropped me from the practice. Still, purely situational, I think he was frustrated that he couldn't fix me. I'm sick of this world I live in that is full of people that need to fix something. It's usually about other people. Stop trying to fix things. Let other people be. They usually come around to wanting to know what you want and they may want to work with you, but if you don't listen to their needs, they can't be helped by you.
I didn't want this blog to become this personal, but it feels important to do so. To talk about what I am going through can help someone else. I feel a disservice is being done by putting such a judgment on medicine. Why is one medicinal class terrible and all others aren't? Medicine isn't good for the body noted by the side effects they all have so why is it okay to use this one but stay away from that one even though that one helps in ways doctors may not understand for hundreds of years.
And why is it that we can look back and see what we should have seen and we can't seem to see what we need to see now? I think if we listen to more people and include everyone's opinions without downgrading some that might be outrageous to something that we shouldn't include then we can have actual conversations about the topic and we can learn how to deal with getting upset in those conversations rather than to run from them.
I feel like I should turn my webcam on to record what I'm going through today to show my doctors what I deal with, but I fear they will still think I'm faking it. A good explanation that someone just now said to me as I answered the door, "You look winded...," she also asked if I'm going to be okay and then she asked if I was sure I was going to be okay. I said I've been dealing with this for 14 years (though I meant I've been dealing with it since I was 14, that's what the brain does when the body is in pain, it gets confused). I look winded. The pain makes me very tired so any movement has me looking like I am mad, tired, or in pain. There may be other assumptions from anyone looking at me, but those three are good enough explanations. I am very shaky so I look like I will stumble and fall. Because I don't let myself fall, do doctors and outsiders alike think I'm fine? Because my muscles will work just enough then I'm fine and I need to move on?
What Really makes me angry (what really grinds my gears) is when I show happiness, I am then lumped into the category of being perfectly fine and I need to stop faking it. I'm a happy person. I actively try to be happy. Why get aggravated with me and then take it out on me if I want to be happy in spite of all the pain I deal with? (my brain now wants to see all these words backword, I even typed a few words as if I am dyslexic). Because they don't know how to handle the looks on my face and they don't know what's coming next, while if they paid attention but left it to empathy, they would know what's coming next doesn't matter...just breathe and wait through it. I understand that it can feel like a roller coaster of emotions so I try to stay empathetic to not get upset when anyone else is upset with me, but if I am in enough pain or if I am tired enough, I can't handle the reactions of others.
I hope that, one day soon, Americans will learn how to broaden their knowledge of other cultures and of conditions debilitating and not. With this knowledge, they can have more compassion for other people's emotions either perceived or true and they might be able to interact with strangers in kinder ways. Right now those strangers are in their way. Also, with this knowledge, they might see that it's okay if they don't measure up to the standards they placed on themselves. One day, Americans will learn how to help others. Until then, I have to deal with this pain and stay secluded in this house unless I want to writhe, yell and cry in public. I did my best to not show the pain so other people wouldn't be afraid of me. I made good friends, too. But now I can't leave the house, I can't walk or drive, because it takes too much energy and without pain medicine I don't have that energy.
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