In The Midst

I have always contributed to people or organizations even if I had to sacrifice something detrimental. Now I have nothing to give, but I have nothing to lose at the same time. And now I seriously need help and I am getting nowhere (not that I expected or expect anything in return for my giving and helping nature...I don't need anything in return for what I have done and will do). Now I don't know where to go or what to do. I made dozens of calls to all the assistance agencies, companies or resources I could find and I didn't get anywhere. It seems that the hot summer has already drained those companies.

I appreciate what I will learn from all of this. Because I am a fan of helping others and I can see already how easy it is to fall into bad situations (another post altogether, though), I can see how I can better help others even while I am in this situation. I filled out paperwork for government assistance and printed forms for what I couldn't do online. In reading the explanations and rules, I was intimidated and I don't get intimidated easily. I hope that one day we change the wording of forms from You will be prosecuted if we can find any reason to prosecute to Simply do not lie. Or something like that.

I have to accept that this has happened (and I have accepted it) because I can't undo it. I would have to resurrect my mom or un-meet my exhusband. Neither are viable options. I can't go back in the past and I greatly appreciate the knowledge I currently have so I don't even want to change things. However, it is hard to stay happy while deep in this mess. It's hard not to feel hurt and left behind. Once I am out of this mess I will feel better about everything and everyone so I try not to harbor hard feelings for anyone. I recognize that if I do feel hatred or anger toward anyone, the feeling(s) will dissipate when I am out of this mess. I don't want anyone to fear that I hate them or am upset with anyone. I'm not. I love everyone equally and I love myself so I don't like wasting time on negative feelings that won't help me get anywhere.

Not having electricity isn't so bad. I have friends so I have a place to go if it is too hot or too cold. My problem stems from feeling like a burden on my friends (I don't have much family). I would certainly let someone live with me or stay as long as they need to, and I have, but I know a lot of people that feel like give and take should be equal, they don't like it when it's more now from one person and then the rolls switch...but such is life. Life is fluid and it will not go how we want it to. We can get along happier if we accept that it won't be equal, but to allow selflessly for life to just be makes it equal. Many people want instant gratification, How can I fix this right now, How can I enjoy that right now. You can enjoy. Let life be and watch in enjoyment how you or others are happy with whatever they have.

So right now I feel like a burden. I feel like I am learning a lot but at my friends' expense. I wish I could do it on my own and not involve anyone else. I don't mean for it to be anyone's expense, but just like the saying It takes a village to raise a child, I say It takes a community to survive. When a community of friends or strangers work together, we get to see how the ebb and flow of life, life's fluidity, can be easy for everyone. I know I won't be burdensome forever. Maybe I will be able to get on my feet and stay there, but I'm not going to expect that or I will be pretty down on myself if I don't meet that goal.