How To Keep Your Composure

How do you feel when you are misunderstood? How do you feel when you Think someone else is being selfish? The way someone else acts does not mean anything to or for your own character. How you handle it does. You can be mean, let the situation grow into an argument, blame the other person/people, or you can just let it go. Most of us don't have the coping skills to keep our composure and to let things slide.

Essentially, we want approval. When we offer information, advice, tell a joke, or do anything we feel is normal, we want the response we feel is warranted. When we don't receive a response that we feel is proper for the moment, we feel invalidated. This is a result of our inner critic. Each time you feel negative, put it aside. Don't let the negative thoughts form into ideas or you will feed into the wrong side of the situation. Explore those thoughts later when your nerves are less likely to jump your brain to conclusions that are also not proper for the situation. This is how I stay calm with each of my encounters, but I usually don't even explore the negative thoughts. I keep putting it aside to explore at a later time. If I feel the time is right, that I can kindly explain to myself why I don't need to feel that way, then I will let the exploration begin. Until then, I might only breed negativity within myself. No thank you!

By feeding negativity you discredit positivity. If someone doesn't see your point of view, you don't have to get upset and fight about it. You will discredit your own intentions if they were positive. If they weren't positive, you will be searching for reasons to validate your negative act or thoughts. See if you can differentiate these feelings. Are you fighting about your point or searching for validation or approval?

It's okay to be misunderstood. It will continue to happen, that, I can guarantee. As long as you know what you meant and don't let their confusion diminish your intentions, you can let it go. You aren't a bad person for having been misunderstood. You don't need to make them see your side. Just let it go. (easier said than done, but with practice and over time it gets easier and easier)

It is also okay for others to appear selfish. You don't know what is in their head. They might have a beautiful reason or meaning that they don't know how to put into words. You don't see it so you misunderstand them and their intentions. Maybe they are truly being selfish and not trying to do something good. That isn't a reason to judge them as if the act/action/event among hundreds of others is the one that defines them. Don't take it personally. That's a little selfish in it's own nature. Are you a bad person for taking things personally? I don't think so. I think it means that you need to find more activities. The more you can get outside of your head, the more you might see that including other people in your life isn't scary.

Know that it takes time to process information. You might look back on something that happened a month ago, see it from a different perspective because time has passed allowing your mind to remove itself from the situation, and you might learn something, see something good in it, or realize it doesn't matter and you can let it go. You don't have to understand the moment. Everyone will have their own understanding of it. You can only handle your own thoughts on it. After reading this, you might have a whirlwind of activity in your mind. Let those thoughts come and go. Try reading again in a week and see what you understand for yourself. It will probably be different, if only slightly.

How To Deal With Complainers And Downright Difficult People

There's always a complainer in our lives.We can't avoid them. You might work with one (or more), commute with one, live with one, etc. I like to bring up the happier side once in a while, but just as their negativity can be overbearing to me, happiness can be overbearing to them. Sometimes I have to say something so I can learn what they are open to, then I will know how I can handle each one individually. Until they learn that they aren't doing themselves any good by being negative, they won't appreciate happiness. So don't impose every thought you feel is a lighter way to view something or you may be seen as if you think you are better than everyone else.

Use their complaints wisely and to your advantage. Instead of feeling bogged down with their negativity, try to see another side of their complaint. ~A coworker says, "People are grumpy today!" You can turn it into, "What can I learn from the grumpiness of others today?" Or make a joke about it without singling anyone out, "It's something in the air, I hope I don't breathe what they are!" and be done with it.~ You don't have to tell them what you come up with. Most negative people either won't hear you or they will get angry or annoyed with you. You might even come across as a know-it-all or that you think you're better than everyone else so be careful when offering an opinion. The situation might not require yours. Not offering your two cents doesn't mean you are putting yourself down. Just the opposite. You can see it as keeping your head above the situation.

I have learned to keep from feeling the negativity of others by putting aside thoughts and feelings that someone is overbearing. Their emotions don't need to be mine so I don't always let my mind explore thoughts that make me feel heavy. I can guarantee that I might encounter crabby people on any day. As long as I live with a complainer or as long as I leave my house (for a walk, to drive to work, drive to a store, shop in a store, etc) I will come across crabby people. I can't change where they are in their mind, I can't change that they might be feeling negative about a fight they just had with someone or the bills that they can't pay so they feel like a bad person. It's not my fault and it doesn't have to be my problem. Knowing that I love everyone and everything equally can be enough to calm any situation. Without difficult people, I wouldn't be reminded how not to be.

In everything I do, I have the happiness of the entire world in mind.

It takes time to change the way our brains work, but studies show over and over again that the brain can be reworked or rewired. Patience is required and part of that means that it's okay to get upset now and then. You might learn something about yourself from your actions or thoughts from being upset. If negative thoughts about yourself come to mind, put them away. How I do that is to say to myself, "I'm not going to think that thought right now. I let you (the thought) go." I don't explore why I am or am not whatever I am thinking that isn't positive. It is okay to explore those thoughts at times, it's better to do when we are happy, but to focus on it isn't going to help in many situations. All you can do is know your intentions don't include vindication, revenge, hate, or to somehow harm. If you try to tailor your actions to anyone else's opinion(s), you will never be able to keep up with what is important to you. You will hold yourself back. Know you are a good person and continue or move on (read: let it go).

Below is a Psychology Today blog post on reworking your brain cells [to be happier]. I love science and especially the science of the brain.

Prime Your Gray Cells

Wiring your brain for happiness and success

by Teresa Aubele, Ph.D., and Susan Reynolds